i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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