woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
