idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
