i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
