come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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