This is not my ceiling
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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