I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
zippers are such a cool invention
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
