My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
