I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
