do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
