I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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