On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
