where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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