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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
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