Don't make out with my wife yet
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
