watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
