the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
