feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
