I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
