I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
