I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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