hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
