Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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