i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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