it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
