Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
