A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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