I wish my penis had an off switch
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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