I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
