There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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