I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
