The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
