I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
