Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
