why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling