Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
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I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs