Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.