i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.