My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
