He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
