That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
