stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize