it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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