I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
