I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN