Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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