you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
