I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize