I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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