So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
