Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
