captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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