she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
only if we run a train.
done.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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