Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
