i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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