its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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