made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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