everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
