Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
