Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
