i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
