It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
